In heterosexual couples, women are the ones who tend to do emotional monitoring and responding, but the men tend to be unaware of it and often are not doing it, she added - and that can negatively affect the couple by making them feel more frustrated, worried, irritable or upset.ĭr. If a couple has similar philosophies about emotional monitoring, there is less potential for conflict between them, Dr. Two men will tell each other what they need or speak up when there is an issue. Umberson, who has studied gay couples for more than a decade. “They’re on the same page about it,” said Dr. Two men, in contrast, do less monitoring, which is less labor-intensive. Unlike gay men, women who are married to women are “constantly monitoring each other’s emotions and needs and responding to them - but they are doing it for each other, so it’s reciprocated,” said Debra Umberson, Ph.D., a professor of sociology and the director of the Population Research Center at the University of Texas at Austin. “Life is too short to have everything be so dramatic,” Rave said.īe mindful of each other’s emotional needs Julie Gottman said.Īnd that’s exactly why Rave and Forrest try to end an argument quickly. When your heart is racing, “all you perceive is attack, no matter what your partner is saying,” Dr. Treating your partner with respect is always important, but especially during an argument when you might say things you’ll later regret. Gay men were less likely to go into fight-or-flight mode when they were in conflict, said the Gottmans, who are married, and they also reach resolutions more quickly than different-sex couples. Instead, practice something self-soothing, like reading a book, something distracting so that your body can calm down,” she said.īut if you need to leave, you should always say when you are going to come back and rejoin the conversation, she said, adding that the minimum amount of time away should be 30 minutes and the maximum should be 24 hours.
“During the time when you’re apart don’t think about the fight. Gottman, Ph.D., co-founder and president of the Gottman Institute. If you find that your heart is pounding during an argument, take a break, said Julie S. The findings suggested that same-sex couples tended to be more positive when bringing up a disagreement and were also more likely to remain positive after a disagreement when compared to heterosexual couples. And David will just simply take the piss out of it and make me laugh,” Rave said.Ī 2003 study compared 40 same-sex couples with 40 heterosexual couples over the course of 12 years to learn what makes same-sex relationships succeed or fail. “For me, as a general rule, I self-admittedly will get very much in my head. Rave cited a recent car trip where Forrest, 35, used humor to help end an escalating argument over whether they should rely on Google Maps. Here are some constructive methods to handle disagreements, as observed by researchers of gay couples: Use humor to defuse angerĬracking a joke in the midst of a heated moment can backfire, but when done properly, “it almost immediately releases the tension,” said Robert Rave, 45, who lives with his husband, David Forrest, in Los Angeles. Likewise, it is unfair to lump all straight couples together, and disingenuous to suggest that they are not capable of arguing in a healthy way.īut because male and female same-sex couples each have different strengths that help them endure, we can all learn from them, Miller said. They have problems just like everyone else. There are always exceptions, and even the healthiest of gay couples are not continually basking in a rainbow-hued utopia. “It’s more kind of tense and quiet and sort of process heavy.”īut is there really a lesbian way to fight? Or a way to address conflict that is specific to gay men? While there is not much research to draw from, the studies that do exist suggest that, on average, same-sex couples resolve conflict more constructively than different-sex couples, and with less animosity.
“It feels like a very lesbian way to fight. They had each been coping with this in different ways. Arian, 39, a freelance musician, is working much less than she typically would. The couple is caring for their 9-month-old daughter while also guiding their 7-year-old daughter through distance learning. “One of the things that came up was this stress that we’re both under as a result of the quarantine,” Cadrain, 37, said.